Keys

I’ve been back in Seattle for over a month. In that time the winter winds have blown, snow has fallen, and the days have gotten longer. I continue to have the odd feeling that I was never away, that nothing has changed, or that everything has changed and I recognize that nothing is familiar at all. It is very confusing.

When I was traveling, the only key I had was to my car. It was easy to keep track of. I didn’t lose it; I never locked the keys in the car. On nights that I stayed in a motel I would have a key card most often. It seems that motels have given up on keys – I suppose too many get lost or taken with the folks who spend the night.

For over six months I was living a simple one key life. Then I went to Hawaii and there I had to care for the keys to my friend’s house and keys to a car. Still it was simple and I kept track of the tools to be safe in a house and get around.

When I returned to Seattle, keys came back into my life and within a few days I had my own cars keys back as well as the keys to my house (though I still wasn’t living there since my tenants were still there), keys to my friend’s apartment where I was staying, keys to my mail box and keys to my ex husband’s house who was caring for my dog. A lot of keys----and I lost them.


I went to walk my dog and somehow lost all the keys except the one to the house where the dog was. I knew I had driven to the house so my car keys had to be somewhere in my ex-husband’s house I thought but no matter how much I searched I could not find them. I went over and over and over the house and still no keys. Finally I realized that he had an extra set of keys to one of his cars and I had an extra set of car keys back at my friend’s house. I got my extra keys, got new keys made for my friend’s apartment (I had to go to her work to get her keys to have them made) I had to go to my tenants to get their mailbox key to have another made only to have those keys made wrong not once but twice!!!

What a mess. I keep thinking that I had to have my keys somewhere but I just couldn’t figure out where. I walked the neighborhood with the dog thinking perhaps I had dropped them. Nothing. Finally I surrendered. I had lost my keys. I had made replacements and even though some love tokens that were on the key ring where gone I would be ok. I had new keys. It wasn’t the same but it was ok.

Two weeks later while tossing a small backpack into the car as I was going somewhere, my keys fell out of the pack. There was an extra pocket on the back of the pack that somehow I never checked. I had looked through the pack dozens of times to search for the keys, I had shaken the pack trying to listen for the keys but I didn’t find them – then.

I started to laugh. My keys, the key to my life back in Seattle had been with me all along. What I thought would gain or lose by going on my adventure was with me all along. So often I look outside myself to find meaning or encouragement or support when I really have it within myself. For over two weeks I had carried my own keys with me and had never known it. Perhaps that is true of my faith and hope and happiness as well.

There's No Place Like Home

On Christmas night I caught the end of The Wizard of Oz on TV. They show it at this time of year. I had tuned in right at the moment when the Wizard’s balloon was taking off and Dorothy had missed getting in because Toto had run away. She was heart broken – how would she get home. Glenda the good witch arrives and tells Dorothy she has always been able to go home whenever she had wanted to. She asks her: “ What have you learned?”

The scarecrow asks too: What have you learned, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Well, I - I think that it - it wasn't enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em - and it's that - if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with! Is that right?

Glenda says, “That’s right” and goes on to show her how to click her heals tree times and say “There is no place like home, there is no place like home, there is no place like home.”

I started to cry and repeated with Dorothy – “There is no place like home.” Dorothy had to learn that her hearts desire was in side of her (her own backyard) So to have I . I ran away to find the other side of the rainbow – to search for a place where bluebirds fly. And I found many places like that but not my hearts desire. Like Dorothy I had to re-find my brains and heart and courage. They were with me all along; I just didn’t know they were a part of me and not about where I was in the world.

I can’t click my heals to get back to Seattle, that will take a plane to do. And I may not be in Seattle all the time in future as well. My home, in the end is within me, and the people I love. The search I have been on has taken me back to myself. I self I never really lost, but I had to find out like Dorothy that it was mine again. Wherever I go, I take myself with me and the ‘home’ I have inside is what will sustain me and help me to share and be with others.

A Place of Refuge

Every year, at the end of the year, I try to do something to let go of the year that is ending and to be open to the New Year. In past years I have gone to a women’s spa and received a sea salt scrub – scrubbing away the year ending and making my skins soft and new as a newborn to great the new year.

This year I am in Hawaii. I decided to go to the Place of Refuge: Pu’uhonua o Honaunau. A wall surrounds this beautiful place at the edge of the ocean. Lava fields frozen in their flow reach the water. The most recent wall of the sacred ground was constructed around 1650 and the bones of the great kings are included in the wall. These ancient kings protect the area. The pu’uhonua was a sanctuary that provided people a second chance. No blood could be shed within its confines. Warriors escaping invaders could come and be safe. So too could anyone who had broken a kapu – a taboo. When a kapu was broken the penalty was death –otherwise the gods would punish the people with an eruption or an earthquake.

If someone could get themselves to the place of refuge though, the priest performed a ceremony of absolution. Then the offender could safely return home. All respected the spirit of the sanctuary – the pu’uhonua.

I carefully walked out over the ancient lava flow to the sea and there I sat with 5 pieces of coral. I had five requests for absolution and letting go. I asked to be released fro all anger and fear. After each request, I threw a piece of coral into the sea. When I was done, I walked to the beach and swam with the sea turtles and the most beautiful bright yellow fish. I am ready to return home safely and to start a new adventure.

Learning to Float

I started swimming lessons when I was five or six years old. My older sisters could swim and I wanted to swim with them. Instead I had been stuck holding my mother’s hand at the edge of the surf as I watched them run into the ocean. They would laugh and body surf until my mom could tell that their lips had turn blue from the rather cold water off the coast of Maine. They would be shaking and shivering, insisting that they were not cold. Swimming lessons would let me be with the big kids.

I learned to swim fairly easily and moved through the classes from tadpoles to beginner swimmer. In middle school I took a junior lifesavers course. I was scared to take the course because I knew my secret would come out: I could not float. Being able to tread water and float were requirements for getting my junior lifesavers certificate. I could tread water quite well, but float? Whenever I tried – I sank. I could do the dead man’s float – head, face, and belly in the water with arms and legs stretched out but float on my back without going under – impossible.

I had all kinds of reasons in my mind as to why I couldn’t float. I was a small person – not quite five feet tall and then barely 95 lb. That must be why. Perhaps it was because I had such small breasts or too big of a butt, my thirteen year old mind concluded. Whatever the reason, no matter what I tried, I could not float. I would start out OK with my body straight out in front of me and my head back. After a minute or so, my legs would sink, and then slowly y torso, though I tried frantically to keep it from happening, my face would fill over with water and my head would go under. Before I knew it I was the object of the lifesaving lesson. I did somehow make it through the class but was told never to try to get a job as a lifeguard.

As years went by I found that swimming was not my favorite active. There was some connection to not being able to float but there were other things. Swimming meant getting wet and often in water that felt cold to me. When I could be in the tropics with warm weather, warm winds, and bathtub warm water, I loved to swim. Anything colder than 85 degree water is too cold for me. Since I live in the Northwest and indoor swimming pools are never that warm, I don’t often swim, and so I gave up ever hoping to float.

A few years ago, while talking with a friend, I shared my inability to float with her. “ I can teach you to float,” Jan said confidently. “ You’ll love it –it’s the most wonderful feeling.” I assured her that it was not possible but that made her even more determined. Jan swam almost every day and loved the water. “ I will teach to let go – that’s the most important part of floating.” Suddenly, a chord deep inside of me was struck.

“Letting go?” I don’t let go of anything. Friends often joked that my tombstone would read: “She finally let go…maybe.” I chew and worry and try to figure out anything and everything. Yet I yearn to let go – to relax and I try to little by little. Maybe this learning to float thing would be a step.

We met one morning at the municipal pool near Jan’s house. She was chatty and upbeat. I was struggling to get into a bathing suit and trying not to run out of he locker room or throw up. Goose bumps came up all over me as Jan described the wonderful feeling she got while floating . She loved to float in the sea and watch clouds pass by. I listened, tried to imagine what she was talking about and shivered. We made our way through the mandated shower before going out on the pool deck. There we climbed down into the water. My teeth were chattering as much from fear as the chilly water.

“The key to floating, Jan said, is to reach your arms out an up and relax into breathing. When you stretch out your arms it raises your lungs so you can breath more and – float” With that she demonstrated and a big smile of contentment came across her face. “You have to keep breathing too, holding your breath will not work”. I tried to do as she said, really I did. Finally for a few brief moments I floated, sort of. I did it! I didn’t sink! “That’s great! Now you just have to practice and relax and you’ll start really enjoying yourself,” my friend said as she ended the lesson.

I knew she was right. I knew it in my bones. Letting and relaxing into floating or work or life has always been a challenge to me. Building faith and letting go of worry comes when I breathe deeply, stretch out my arms to life and I trust.

And yet – I still feared the water and really couldn’t float like I would like. Here in Hawaii a group of women went out swimming the first week I was here. Unlike the pool we swam out over 1/3 of a mile. The water depth was 30 feet or so. I swam comfortably with a snorkel discovering that I enjoyed swimming so much more when I didn’t have to pull my head up and over to get air. Just the help of the snorkel was such a gift to my enjoyment. We got out to a point where a boat was anchored and I figured I would rest by holding onto the boat. I had swum more than I was used to and tired. But I couldn’t really reach a lace to hang on and then I panicked – I would have to tread water or FLOAT to rest.

I will also remember to loving women who surrounded me as I told them I really couldn’t float. Sure I had for a moment with Jan, but I never practiced and I was in far deeper water. They held on to me, tried to help me float but my butt keep sinking as it always had. Finally they did show me how to calmly tread water – to float upright so to speak. That really helped but still I was sad about my anxiety and fears in the water. I really wanted to float.

Two days ago I went out on a snorkel trip with a friend here. I had a plan. I knew on these chartered trips that they provided everything. So when it came time to snorkel, I put on a float belt and got in the water. A calm came over me that I never experienced in the water- not deep water. I could float! I was buoyant! It was so wonderful. I knew why other people enjoyed the water so much. I lay on my back and floated around when I wasn’t looking at the most amazing fish. I could stop and talk with my friend without fear.

With the help of supportive friends and the help I need personally, I float. I float on the currents of life and I let life and God carry me. When I was 12 and needed glasses to see, I didn’t judge myself for needing help to see. I don’t need that now either – or ever. I need the support of friends, to listen to what I know is true for me and to find the help in whatever form I need it to enjoy swimming or anything else. Sometimes I can learn something without assistance, sometimes not. If I can keep the goal in mind, I will find a way and most often that way has to do with getting help from things and people.

Winter Holidays in Paradise

“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, Yuletide carols being sung by a choir and folks dressed up like Eskimos”

As I listen to this song while shopping at an outdoor market where the sun is shining, even at 5:50 PM in the afternoon and the temperature is 80 degrees, I know that the holidays are different here – weird in many ways.

It started with Thanksgiving. There are hundreds of wild turkeys running around so the images are what I am used to but that’s it. Everyone still cooks turkey and gravy – but often in a pit like they cook pigs for Luaus. Added to the regular things for Thanksgiving often are dishes that are Hawaiian or Japanese or even Samoan. The diverse cultures here are very strong and as a white person I often feel a bit out of place in the shopping areas where locals shop.

The day after Thanksgiving people often put up their trees. The trees are shipped in from Oregon and California and are very expensive - $60 often for a small tree. The lights go up on houses- often with Santa and a sleigh or a snowman or other winter theme. Yet it is warm and no one here sees snow unless they go to the top of Mauna Kea after a storm.

Other music I have heard includes Christmas songs sung in Hawaiian. The tune is familiar but I do not understand the words. I have been struck with how having another language makes this state so different from our other 49. This really is another country that happens to be a state. And I am sad to read about the history of this state. I have learned that the US basically invaded and took over a foreign land. We brought disease and creatures that destroyed so much of the native animals, plants and way of life. The missionaries shamed the people so deeply that even today most Hawaiians are the most dressed- even at the beaches.

But back to the holidays. The poinsettias are blooming. They are large bushes – like our roddies in the northwest and they are covered in brilliant red flowers, often double flowers.

I love to celebrate the solstice – the return of the light, but in Hawaii, the change in daylight is only about 1 ½ hours over the year. All the symbolic tales of the child being born at the darkest time of year, of hope and faith returning in the dark just doesn’t seem to connect with my experience here.

I am told that New Years will bring many fireworks. We in Seattle know about this but for folks back east – the tradition comes from Asia and it makes the New Year noisy and bright.

I am missing the holidays in the north. I find I am so surprised by that because I have so often found them to be stressful and not enjoyable. This year is giving me so many new perspectives. They are my gifts this year.

Homesickness

It has taken eight months for my homesickness to set in. I am surprised as anyone that it should arrive while I am in beautiful Hawaii. Perhaps though it is precisely because I am in such a beautiful place that I am so aware of missing Seattle.

Most of this trip I have moved from place to place with only a few days or perhaps a week at each spot. During the summer my home base was New Jersey and my sister’s house. I did not feel homesick there but then in a way I was home, the home area I grew up in. The land was familiar, the weather familiar and the people I mostly saw and connected with I had know all or most of my life.

When I left the east and headed back to Seattle, on my way to Hawaii, I was annoyed to be in Seattle. The grey of the fall had begun, it seemed like I had never left and whatever big AH HA I thought I would have in my year of travel had not happened. I still wanted to move on, explore new places and be in the sun.

I had a taste of homesickness on Maui. I began to realize that even in Paradise, every day life creeps in and the weather alone does not give meaning to life. I began to yearn for the deep connections I had in Seattle. I talked more often to the friends that I had who had been with me through the 27 years I have been there. Now I was in a place where I knew almost no one and I wasn’t just traveling and I wasn’t working and I felt lonely in a way that I hadn’t yet on this adventure.

My brief time a Kalani Retreat Center confirmed for me that the time of isolation and retreat was ended and it was time to move into a more active involvement with the world. When I contacted my friend in Kona and had the opportunity to move there I was thrilled.

In the last month I have learned, perhaps, the most important lessons of my trip. Here in Kona I have connected with a small group of women who have been so kind and generous. I have some work to structure my days and the weather is great. Still I have a growing sense of homesickness – what is that about? I even found myself wishing I could put on long pants and a sweater!

Moving to a place where I have little or no long-term connections is hard at 53, even when I am here for a few months. In order to tell something about my history or myself I generally have to tell 3-4 things first. The investment I have in my community in Seattle has become so much clearer to me now. While the weather is great here, the everyday hassles of living are just like they are anywhere. There is also a bit of a guilty feeling that creeps in if you don’t feel great everyday – since the beauty and sunny weather are all around you as are so many happy faced tourists.

I now know that WHO I spend my life with is more important than WHERE I spend it. If I were partnered I could imagine living away from Seattle more. I would know that each day I would have someone who knew me as I developed friendships. People in midlife have settled on friends for the most part. Oh, we let in a few more here and there but the richness of long-term friends is so important. We have been through so much of life together.

So I am making plans to head back to Seattle, probably after the New Year. I would love to be here during the winter months but that time will come. For now I will work to keep the sun in my heart as well as the new love I have discovered for my hometown.

Ordinary Paradise

What would life be like in Paradise if it were everyday? My first hint came when I was in a mile long back up on the “highway” on Maui. Road construction had stopped traffic. I wanted to get to the beach, hurry up! I caught myself that day. I was astonished to see that with a few weeks of being in Hawaii I had forgotten my easy, vacation attitude.

It seems that the reason we all love vacations in the tropics is because they can lift us out of our everydayness. We break from worry and timelines and ‘got to be there’. We slow down and see things differently. On Maui I counted rainbows and orchids. I thrilled at the colors. But slowly, after two weeks or so I started to take the world I was in for granted a bit. I stopped watching the weather because it was always nice, then I expected it to be nice and didn’t pay much attention to it, or the beauty of it. I ran errands – the post office, buy groceries and slowly the every day way life crept in.

Here on the Big Island of Hawaii, I have been to the beach three times – but they all happened in the first week or so. Now that I can go whenever I want to – I don’t. I let other things get more important. I have helped the woman who I am living with get her garbage to the dump, return movies to the video store, and get an estimate on her car for repairs. All things that can happen anywhere you live. I can see how I could so easily take the beautiful view from her Lanai for granted, or the sunshine, or the bougainvillea spilling outrageous colors over walls and houses.

Being in paradise, or anywhere else won’t guarantee that any of us will appreciate it. We have to commit to it. I have to choose to see the beauty anew each day. Hawaii has lots of problems, just like any other place. Traffic, high prices, crime. If I think I can escape them because the land is so beautiful, I am mistaken. My worries and fears are still with me as well. I can’t escape them either.

On vacation we take a break from so much more than work, we break from ourselves and our everyday worries. If I choose and commit I can keep that vacation spirit alive wherever I am. Wherever I go, I take myself, so I am learning to keep the best of me, the one that is filled with gratitude and kindness and let her live in paradise or wherever.

Mauna Kea and the Stars

Mauna kea is the tallest mountain in the Hawaiian Islands. It sits in the central part of the big island of Hawaii. Most years it is snowcapped in winter. The island then is the only place on earth that you can swim in the warm water of the Pacific in the morning and ski in the afternoon. You can also drive to the top of the mountain.

I have not taken tours on this trip but I joined my friend, Estee, her husband, and sister to see the sunset on top of Mauna Loa. The roads to the mountain are very rugged and not good for cars so it was great to have a tour and a guide to get us there. We left Kailua-Kona at about 1:30 in the afternoon.

The trip up was filed with open plains, stories of the ancient Hawaiians and seeing interesting flora and fauna. We stopped at 7000 ft to have an early dinner. Having a full stomach helps to prevent altitude sickness. After stopping at an abandon sheep cowboy camp to eat we continued up the mountain on a dirt road. The visitor’s center is at 9000 ft. We went on pass the center for the sunset.

At the top on Mauna Kea are many huge telescopes. It is the worlds largest observatory.The air is the cleanest and clearest of anywhere on earth. Astronomers from all over the world travel to the mountaintop to do research. The clouds had hung with us as we went up the mountain but as we passed the visitors center we traveled out and above the clouds. Our guides had brought along heavy winter parkas for us – it was below freezing up there – much different than the 80+ degrees it had been in town. The sunset was going down.

It was amazing and awe inspiring to see a sunset at 13,796 ft (only about 600 ft shorter than Mt. Rainier in WA!). It is the tallest mountain in the world when measesure from its base below sealevel. I had a sense of what it must be like for mountain climbers to reach the top of a mountain and be thrilled with the view. It was as if you could see the ends of the earth. The clouds below kept us from seeing the ocean. The sky, went of forever and the colors were spectacular!

After the sunset we quickly traveled back to 9000 ft to stargaze. The full moon had been a few days before and we needed to see the stars before the moon rose and created too much light. I got see the Milky Way, Jupiter, three shooting stars, a satellite orbiting, and a whole galaxy next to ours! The telescopes were amazing. As we were getting ready to leave, the moon was clear and huge , so we took time to view the moon through the high power telescope the tour guides brought. I could see craters!

The whole trip left me with a sense of the infinite and finite. I felt the infinite possibilities in the view and the Milky Way. And I felt finite in the smallness of humanity and myself. I felt sad in a way to know that there are so few places on earth left that have clear enough air to fully see the stars. Returning to Kona the air got thicker and warmer. I have not seen the mountain from sea level yet. It is most often covered in clouds. But I know where it is and I remember – remember the infinite possibilities for us all.

Going to the Sunny side of the Island

Just after I wrote last, I came to realize that staying at Kalani for three months is not what I was called to do. Writing on this trip has helped me so many times to clarify my thoughts and feelings and I am grateful for that.

I realized that I felt way too isolated at Kalani and while the people I met there were wonderful I just didn’t have it in me to start a whole new community. Did I mention that it also rained everyday at Kalani and that I always felt vaguely wet? I have a deep and loving community in Seattle and being part of the recovery community has allowed me to make this trip and find community wherever I go. After praying and listening for what to do I emailed a friend who lives in Kailua-Kona on the opposite side of the island of Hawaii.

I asked my friend if she knew of any possibilities for house sitting or perhaps a job near her. I figured I would trust that if it was meant for me to leave I would find something and if not I would stay at Kalani. Within a few hours, my friend had found me housing for a few weeks and the possibility of two different jobs! Not only that, her sister was visiting and they had planned to drive over to the part of the island on I was in two days, so they came and picked me up! I felt truly blessed!

I left Kalani on Tuesday, October, 23rd. It was raining as we left and I felt good about my decision. We visited Volcano National Park on the way back and I was taken to the house I could stay in after dinner with my friend and her sister. It is a beautiful house that overlooks Kailua Bay. I had my own bathroom (not sharing with 13 others) and a wonderful bedroom to myself. I will be able to stay here for almost three weeks.

If I learn nothing else on this trip, I hope I will remember that there is always help available and that listening to my heart is a good thing. I am so glad I met the folks I did at Kalani and that I had the experiences I did have there. I am just as glad to be on the sunny side of the island now near a community of support that is more familiar to me.

Already I have had the opportunity to swim and snorkel and meet new friends. I even got to travel to the top of Mauna Koa Mountain to see the sunset. But that is another entry.

Thank you to everyone at Kalani and especially Estee for her friendship and support to help me get to this sunny side!

Life at Kalani

It started with a Google search: “volunteer at retreat centers”. Kalani Oceanside Retreat came up. The center is located 45 minutes from Hilo on the Big Island of Hawaii. This is the rainy side of the island and so it is wet, lush and beautiful.

I am living in a double room with a woman from Texas who is older. I share a single bathroom with 13 other volunteers! Most volunteers seem to be in their late 20’s and gay – men and women. The center is promoted as a gay destination. We work at various jobs (I work in the kitchen) about 25 hrs per week and the rest of the time is our own. The black sand beach is 1½ miles down the road. One volunteer told me she swam with dolphins at the beach yesterday. Today I went into the one street town of Pahoa. It’s the one place I can get cell coverage. This is a very isolated part of the island.

What have I learned so far?

1. Bugs don’t bother me- there are a ton here! There are lots of tiny sugar ants, flying cockroaches, and mosquitoes.
2. I don’t like being damp all the time. It’s almost like Seattle only warm and so nothing dries out. Mold grows on everything really fast. The winter is the rainy season – something I didn’t know before I came.
3. Sharing a room again for the first time in over 30 years is quite different and a bit of a challenge.
4. Being an oldster is a new experience. Most of the folks here could be my children.
5. Having so many gay men here, I feel invisible as a woman.
6. I am not a hippie. Most people here are very alternative in their views and lifestyles. I am much more mainstream than I thought.
7. I do like that I have a lot of support for the adventure I am on. Most everyone here is on sometime of journey or they have ended a journey by living at Kalani full time.

Surprisingly, I am recognizing that being alone and away from family and friends is losing it’s appeal. Most folks here are looking to ‘find themselves’ and have time to just ‘be’. They are getting away from or leaving behind an old life. I have been doing that for 8 months and now I find I am not so interested in that anymore. I have learned a lot about just ‘being’. Also, I am getting very tired of living out of suitcases and meeting new people all the time. I want to start to integrate being and doing now. Working actually interests me now. Who would have thought that was going to happen?

Personalities here are wide and varied. I watch and listen to the gossip already. There is drama and knowing looks I see from the people who have lived here for many month and even years. There are cliques just like in any small closed community.

Am I glad I came? Yes, if for no other reason than for the experience. Will I stay the full three months that I planned? Somehow I don’t think so. I am looking into going over to Kona, on the dry side of the island where I have a Seattle friend. Perhaps I can find a room and a part time job so I can stay the winter in Hawaii and fulfill a live long dream of not just visiting but living on a tropical island.

Aloha!

Walking the labyrinths

I have now walked all five labyrinths on Maui. Two of them were painted on blacktop surfaces, one was laid out in a garden with orchids around it and two were at the far west end of the island, laid out in white coral rock and overlooking the sea. Amazing!

Walking these meditation labyrinths has been especially meaningful to me. Being in Hawaii seems to be a juncture. I have now just over half way through what I plan to be a year away. I don’t know what will come next, but I have gotten much better at living in the NOW. The labyrinths help.

When I enter the labyrinth I cannot see how to get to the center. I can only see the clarity of the path for a few yards, I can see that there are twists and turns coming up but I can’t anticipate what they will be exactly. Sounds like life doesn’t it? All but one of the labyrinths here is based on the original one that is in the Chartres Cathedral in France. The first few steps into the labyrinth look like they will take me right to the center but –no- the path turns and follows right next to the center but there is a barrier of rocks which tell me that I will not get there right away. I must keep walking.

It seems that when I start out a project or a plan or a dream, the same thing happens. The energy of the beginning moves me quickly into the experience and I believe it will be created or finished soon. Along the way though I have twists and turns in the process. No real dead ends but rather adjustments that need to be made and often it seems like my goal gets further and further away. It is so with the labyrinth. After walking so close to the center, the path takes me right out to the far edge and then slowly brings me to the center. I try to look far ahead to see how or what will be the path, but it is useless. The only way to see it is to do it, walk it, and find out in the walking. So I stop looking ahead and focus on each step.

That is the journey for this year – to focus on each step and not try to look too far ahead. Fears of financial ruin or lifelong lonely drifting come up but I make myself come back to the present, to what I have, to the support I know, to the gratitude I feel and I trust that I will get to the center of things and then return with peace, abundance, love, and passion.

Life on Maui Part II

Well here are a few hard things about Maui: gas is $3.58 a gallon, milk is $9.00 for a gallon and I looked at getting a red pepper in the supermarket and it would have been over $2.00. The cost of living is 27% higher than Seattle (found that on a website)! And we who come from Seattle know how high it is for us. The largest crime on the island is breaking and entering – cars and houses.

Now back to the good stuff. I have stopped watch the weather on TV since it is the same every day! Where I am staying is at the junction of the wetter part of the island and drier part so almost every afternoon since I have been here there has been a brief light shower while the sun is out sooooo …. I have seen 4 rainbows! They are so magical and I hopeful. I know now why the Hawaiian license plate has a rainbow on it.

On my journey this year I have had the chance to find a number of Labyrinths. I have walked them in Sedona, AZ and Galveston, TX and now Maui!

A labyrinth is a spiritual tool, a body prayer, a walking meditation, and a mystical experience. The motif is unique to the gothic Notre-Dame de Chartres Cathedral located 42 miles southwest of Paris and dating to 1220 A.D. There an ancient 42-foot diameter labyrinth is embedded in the paving stones of the nave floor. Nota bene, a labyrinth is not a maze. There are no forks in the road or confusing dead ends. The labyrinth is unicursal. The path never crosses over itself and culminates in only a single cul-de-sac, the goal at the center. To walk a labyrinth one simply enters and follows the meandering course to the center; pauses to meditate; then retraces the exact path out, from the sacred to the everyday world.

There are five labyrinths on Maui. One at an Orchid Garden, one at a Catholic school, one at an Episcopal Church and two built from white coral overlooking the ocean. I have been to two so far and have plans to see and walk another today and then the two coral ones soon. Visiting them and walking the meditations gives me a focus for the day and feels very grounding.

While I am occasionally lonely here (there are lots of honeymoon type couples around the resort areas) I know that this is a resting spot for me. Thanks to all of your who answer and listen when I call- especially when I tell you it is sunny here and raining where you are.

Life on Maui Part I

I have now been on Maui for a week. A friend from Seattle sent me a picture of the rainy day she was having and I must admit that I was happy not to be there. The best thing so far about Maui is the weather. It is about 84 every day and about 70 every night. We have very brief showers about every other day and sometimes it is a bit windy. The sun is up at 6:30 and down at 6:30. The days won’t get much shorter than now as the solstice draws near. I like the sameness, I like the sun, and I like the breezes.


I am staying at a friend’s house in Makawao. Makawao is ‘up country’ towards the dormant volcano and on the northeast side of the island. We get more rain here (1500ft above sea level) than where the resorts are. The resorts are on the other side the island. That’s fine with me. Here, the folks of Maui live, the year round; go to work and come home folks. It is a nice neighborhood of small houses with big lots. Some folks have two houses on the lot – one a cottage that they rent out. I am staying in a large studio apartment in a house. My windows look out on a gully of tall eucalyptus trees. Cardinals and finches come to the bird feeder and it is quiet. My friend has over 20 orchid plants, about ten are blooming now. On my morning walks I see hibiscus, plumaria, avocado trees and flowers I don’t know the names for. Wonderful.

The town of Makawao is very small, just a few blocks of old Hawaiian storefronts, most of which have shops for tourists. This is the ranching part of the island, and home to many of the new age, hippie folks of the island. People still feel safe to hitch hike and flip-flops seems like the only type of shoe that is worn. The best surfing beach is on this side of the island and so you see a lot of surfers as well.

My first weekend here I got to do two local Maui things: go to the weekly swap meet and also the County fair. The swap meet had fruits and veggies I have never seen: dragon fruit, bread and jack fruit as well as beautiful tropical flowers for pennies. There were Hawaiian gift items and locally made baked goods – all very different but I was comforted by seeing that I could get tube socks too, just like any swap meet at home!

The county fair was a mixture of familiar and new too. I am struck by how strong the native Hawaiian culture is here. I feel like I am visiting another country in some ways and I like that. The fair had displays and competitions of orchids and fruit (strange ones like at the swap meet) as well as a huge pumpkin (762 lbs)! There were the regular rides and games as well as hula shows. There was cotton candy and fried Twinkies and elephant ears as well as tripe stew, pork dishes, Philippine dishes and Korean dishes. I loved it all!

The people I have met have been very friendly. I have gone to the beach once and driven around a little. I will do more of both. I ask myself, could I live here? For the weather – yes! For everything else? I will wait and see. Part II coming soon!

Visiting

The picture is of my friend and I at her house on maui.



On my journey this year I have stayed with friends along the way. The shortest time was one night; the longest was my time with my sister in New Jersey. I was there for three months. Staying with friends has taught me so much about me. I have also learned a lot about the many ways people go about living.

Everyone I visited has their own way of folding towels or loading the dishwasher or driving the car. Each visit was like being Margaret Mead in a new culture and society. I had the chance to observe how different people went about their lives. One friend always loads the dishwasher from back to front, another has a special way the plates go in and still others don’t use the machine at all – they hand wash and then sanitize them in the washer. Everyone ‘taught’ me how to do the dishes at their house. Their way of doing it was the way – they didn’t insist – it was just their preferences. I was happy to do the chores however they wanting since they were all so gracious to let me stay.

I started to think about how I do things when I am in my own home. Is there a particular way I load the dishwasher – do I think it is the ‘right’ way? I am told the dishwasher loading preferences can create many an argument between spouses and that someone studied how many ways there were to load the dishes – there were thousands! Still the way each one of us goes about our chores is Our Way and if we do not interact with many others around those same chores, they become THE way to do them.

This year is teaching me that I do not have to hold on so tight to the way something get done. Preferences are great but they are just that – preferences. There are no rules about so many things in life. There are so many choices of how life can work and I find that my identity is less and less connected to the way I DO things as it is connected to the way I AM with things. I have grown so much more flexible this year – I hope the habit will be so set that it carries me through whatever comes next.

For now I will continue to learn about myself through the gracious gift of friends and new acquaintances, which teach me. Thank you to all of you who have housed and feed me. You are a blessing in my life!

Homeless is Seattle

The month of September has found me in Seattle until the 25th. I have been house sitting for friends and staying with others. The weather has been sunny part of the time and cloudy with rain at other times.

I have seen people who are glad to see me home…..but am I? Part of me wonders why they welcome me home- haven’t I been here all along? I feel in part like I had a dream that I traveled the US and spent the summer back east but when someone says, “Welcome Home” my mind realizes that it wasn’t a dream at all – I really have been away.

My house is rented and I have gone by to do some yard work. Part of me feels like I never left and another part is so disoriented. I try to remember to drive to the place I am staying but find the car driving to my home only to realize that it isn’t my house right now.

I have been able to act like a tourist in my own city and visit with folks leisurely. It has been good but I watch out that I don’t get too connected because I am leaving again so soon.

I have read about sabbaticals while in Seattle. The Bible speaks about not working for a year, every seven years. The people trusted that God will provide a bumper crop in the sixth year to cover what will be needed when the sabbatical years comes. Taking a year off is a way to dedicate oneself to God for a year. There is a faith that we will be provided and cared for. This is my journey this year: to dedicate myself to discover and grow my connection with God and build my faith and trust that I will be cared for.


Tuesday, September 25th I leave for Maui. I am house sitting for a good friend for almost three weeks. Living on a tropical island has been on my list of things to do in my lifetime so now I will get a chance. My friend lives far away from the resorts so I will get to experience real island living. Then on October 14th I will go to the Big Island of Hawaii.

I am going to work at Kalani Oceanside Retreat as a volunteer. The conference retreat center operates with volunteers who work and live at the center for three months. I will work in the kitchen four days a week and then spend time doing yoga, swimming, reading and creating a new dream for my life. It is exciting and a bit scary – living in a community will be new for me, cell phones don’t work well and there is no TV!

I am not taking the Peeps with me. It is too humid and wet on the island. I will have my stuffed Peep (see above).

I hope you like my new look. Every few years I cut my hair. This time it was to make it easy to be in the sun and water. I will keep up the blog while I am away (I will have internet at the retreat center).

Write to say hi- send prayers and good wishes – I will be doing the same for you. Aloha!

Utah

The first state I was ever in was New Jersey. That is where I was born. There were only 48 states then. The last two came into the union when I was a child.

I made it to my fiftieth state while driving back to Seattle. Utah was the last one. I had planned to make it there while driving east but a late spring snowstorm kept me from going. I wanted sun not snow so I passed up the chance to finish my states then.

I actually had been in Utah – in the Salt Lake City airport a number of times but since I was only there to change planes it didn’t seem like I could count that as actually being IN the state. Until this trip I also had only been in Kentucky because I had been in the Cincinnati airport, which oddly is in Kentucky, not Ohio.

I knew I wanted to complete my state adventure on this trip. I got to Kentucky when Rachel and I went to Chicago in May.

Some of the states were easy to get to. Growing up in the Northeast, we took family trips along the east coast often. Every college student drove to Florida at least once. I picked up more states when I drove to Seattle the first time to move there. Then it was fairly easy to pick up the west coast states. The middle seemed hardest but then I had a job that I had to travel. It was during those years that I picked up most of the Midwest. North Dakota took some doing. I got to Oklahoma because I had to be in Wichita and I had a car so I drove the 70 miles to Oklahoma just to take it off my list. Hawaii and Alaska were special trips with Rachel.

Utah was beautiful. We traveled through the Northwest corner, skipping Salt Lake City. We spent a night in Ogden. The prairies give way to the mountains and the pine trees appear again. The air was clear and dry. The Great Salt Lake is huge. We were amazed to see seagulls there but then the water is salty!


What do I now after see all the states of the US? It is a HUGE country and so very diverse. I wish all of our elected officials were required to drive through all the states and go to little towns and really see how different people think about the issues. Most want food on the table, safe schools, good friends and work to support them.

Now that I have had a taste of this whole country I feel more ready to taste the rest of the world. Keep reading to see what comes next.

Westward Ho

My daughter and I got on the road about 10 AM on Friday the 17th. Traveling across the US with a companion is a new experience. I have done the trip twice alone. I like being with someone – someone I care about. We have not seen each other this summer so there is plenty of time to talk and laugh.

We have started some daily lists on the trip: best name for a town (Lover, PA, Paw Paw, Indiana, Blue Earth, MN). Signs we think are outrageous or odd: “Toe Service” in SD, “Abstain from sex to attain your goals” in Wisconsin. And we count things: 15 signs for cheese in Wisconsin and over 50 signs advertise Wall Drugs in SD.

We have eaten fresh cheese curds in Wisconsin and buffalo burgers in South Dakota. We have seen the world’s largest Prairie Dog (a statute) and the Corn Palace in Mitchell, SD ( a building covered in corn cobs and husks)

On August 21, we will drive through the Badlands and go to Mt. Rushmore.

Twenty-Seven years ago I drove these same road to move to Seattle. I remember South Dakota so well – I hated it. It was very hot, my car had no air conditioning and was running poorly (the water pump was about to go- and it did in Rapid City). The land was dry and brown and bleak. It was the day I realized I was MOVING to Seattle and not just on a trip and I was filled with fear and sadness.

This time is so different. I have a wonderful young adult daughter with me who loves to be with her mother. We share jokes and driving and philosophies of life. The land is green as they have had sufficient rain and there are huge fields of beautiful sunflowers growing along the highway.

If any one had told me 27 years ago that this would be my future I don’t think I would have believed them – it is so much better than I could have imagined! I can only suspect that the next twenty-seven years will hold at least as many wonderful surprises!

On the Road Again!

Rachel and I leave today for our trip back across the US to Seattle. We will drive through Pennsylvania, Ohio and Illinois. Then we will head north through Wisconsin to Minneapolis to see a friend of Rachel’s. After that we will head to South Dakota and Mt. Rushmore and the Badlands. Finally we will make a stop in Utah before head northwest to Seattle. That way I will then have been in every state in the USA!


I am so grateful to my sister and brother-in- law for the gift of letting me stay with them these past four months. They have cared for me and supported my questions and provided me with a save base to explore the east.

Thanks to my good friend Merrill for her support and listening ear. Thank you to Barbara G for letting me sound off to her and be a part of her new journey. Thank you to the folks in the rooms that welcomed me with open arms.

Thank you to the friend I have made through being on Car Talk who has followed my journey and stayed in touch all this time. Thank you to my friends in Seattle who have continued to cheer me on.

I know it not only takes a village to raise a child but also to help anyone find their dream. As I travel the next part of this adventure – know that I will keep you all with me!

Time to Move On

I love New York and New Jersey and all things eastern AND it is time to go.

Where else but New York City could you see a Naked Singing Cowboy in Times Square on the same day that you see Van Gogh’s Starry Night at the Museum of Modern Art? Where else can you ride the subway and see and hear people from at least 10 different countries? Where else can you be in the same city and see beautiful parks and high rises and streets filled with garbage bags and people waiting for food kitchens to open? Everything happens in New York. The drivers are crazy (they even get mad when they are not voted the “most aggressive” in the country. The food is amazing – I saw a sign for Cuban and Chinese food – at the same restaurant.

The people are as passionate as the come about their city and proud of being “the greatest city on earth". It may be.

New Jersey is filled with beautiful rolling hills where I am staying. Homes built in the early 1700’s are common. History is all around me. Farms have corn growing and cows grazing and then there is “the shore”.

The “Shore” refers to the beaches of New Jersey. I know of no other state that refers to its coastline as “the shore”. From Asbury Park (home to Bruce Springsteen) to Cape May, everyone here has her favorite place. Each town “owns” their beach so there is quite the controversy that exists about access to the beach. Towns sell ‘tags’ to get on the beach each day. Old grand homes sit right on the beach in many towns and crowds? Yes in the most densely populated state – there are crowds!

Next week, I leave the northeast. It has been wonderful to be here this summer. My sister and brother in-law have been so very generous and kind to have me stay with them. I wanted to spend time in the northeast again because there was a part of me that thought I might be called to live here again. I am not. I know now that I could live here and be fairly happy but I choose not to. My heart has become so much more of a westerner than I knew before coming east again. I hope I can be back to visit more often than in the past but living here is not for me- at least not now.

Update

As the dog days of summer arrive, I find that writing has become hard to do. I think about it but then I just don’t do it.

July was filled with trips to the beach, reading in the sun, walking and running regularly. I also traveled back to Seattle to be with the women’s group I have been a part of for 25 years. It was very odd to be a visitor in my hometown.

I stayed with friends before leaving with the women for our retreat. I did not have a car so I depended on my daughter for rides. I saw the city a little more through the eyes of a tourist. I connected with a few folks but since I would be there such a short time I did not let everyone know. I felt a bit like a space alien.

Friends would say “ It is so good to have you home” and I would be perplexed. Part of me didn’t connect that I had been away at all – what were they talking about? I live in Seattle – I haven’t been away. Then another part of my brain would track that yes – I have been away for 4 months. Maybe though, my trip had been a long dream I had had and I really had never left Seattle. I felt very confused.

Having five days with the women who I am most close to helped to ground me. We laughed and shared and ate wonderful meals. We had long walks and long talks about every imaginable topic. I had a chance to go more in depth with what this experience of my trip has been. They are truly sisters of my heart.

By the time I had to leave I knew one truth of this adventure. I love so many parts of the East Coast. My roots are here and so are many family members and old friends. I used to think I would never want to live here again though and part of being here for three months was to see if I was called to return. I am not. I could live here and be a kind of happy but as of now I choose not to – the West calls me home.

So what now?? My daughter if flying out east in mid August and driving with me back across the country. It will be a faster trip – only 7 days. I will be in Seattle for September and then on to Hawaii for 3 ½ months! More to come about this next exciting part of my adventure.