A Place of Refuge

Every year, at the end of the year, I try to do something to let go of the year that is ending and to be open to the New Year. In past years I have gone to a women’s spa and received a sea salt scrub – scrubbing away the year ending and making my skins soft and new as a newborn to great the new year.

This year I am in Hawaii. I decided to go to the Place of Refuge: Pu’uhonua o Honaunau. A wall surrounds this beautiful place at the edge of the ocean. Lava fields frozen in their flow reach the water. The most recent wall of the sacred ground was constructed around 1650 and the bones of the great kings are included in the wall. These ancient kings protect the area. The pu’uhonua was a sanctuary that provided people a second chance. No blood could be shed within its confines. Warriors escaping invaders could come and be safe. So too could anyone who had broken a kapu – a taboo. When a kapu was broken the penalty was death –otherwise the gods would punish the people with an eruption or an earthquake.

If someone could get themselves to the place of refuge though, the priest performed a ceremony of absolution. Then the offender could safely return home. All respected the spirit of the sanctuary – the pu’uhonua.

I carefully walked out over the ancient lava flow to the sea and there I sat with 5 pieces of coral. I had five requests for absolution and letting go. I asked to be released fro all anger and fear. After each request, I threw a piece of coral into the sea. When I was done, I walked to the beach and swam with the sea turtles and the most beautiful bright yellow fish. I am ready to return home safely and to start a new adventure.

Learning to Float

I started swimming lessons when I was five or six years old. My older sisters could swim and I wanted to swim with them. Instead I had been stuck holding my mother’s hand at the edge of the surf as I watched them run into the ocean. They would laugh and body surf until my mom could tell that their lips had turn blue from the rather cold water off the coast of Maine. They would be shaking and shivering, insisting that they were not cold. Swimming lessons would let me be with the big kids.

I learned to swim fairly easily and moved through the classes from tadpoles to beginner swimmer. In middle school I took a junior lifesavers course. I was scared to take the course because I knew my secret would come out: I could not float. Being able to tread water and float were requirements for getting my junior lifesavers certificate. I could tread water quite well, but float? Whenever I tried – I sank. I could do the dead man’s float – head, face, and belly in the water with arms and legs stretched out but float on my back without going under – impossible.

I had all kinds of reasons in my mind as to why I couldn’t float. I was a small person – not quite five feet tall and then barely 95 lb. That must be why. Perhaps it was because I had such small breasts or too big of a butt, my thirteen year old mind concluded. Whatever the reason, no matter what I tried, I could not float. I would start out OK with my body straight out in front of me and my head back. After a minute or so, my legs would sink, and then slowly y torso, though I tried frantically to keep it from happening, my face would fill over with water and my head would go under. Before I knew it I was the object of the lifesaving lesson. I did somehow make it through the class but was told never to try to get a job as a lifeguard.

As years went by I found that swimming was not my favorite active. There was some connection to not being able to float but there were other things. Swimming meant getting wet and often in water that felt cold to me. When I could be in the tropics with warm weather, warm winds, and bathtub warm water, I loved to swim. Anything colder than 85 degree water is too cold for me. Since I live in the Northwest and indoor swimming pools are never that warm, I don’t often swim, and so I gave up ever hoping to float.

A few years ago, while talking with a friend, I shared my inability to float with her. “ I can teach you to float,” Jan said confidently. “ You’ll love it –it’s the most wonderful feeling.” I assured her that it was not possible but that made her even more determined. Jan swam almost every day and loved the water. “ I will teach to let go – that’s the most important part of floating.” Suddenly, a chord deep inside of me was struck.

“Letting go?” I don’t let go of anything. Friends often joked that my tombstone would read: “She finally let go…maybe.” I chew and worry and try to figure out anything and everything. Yet I yearn to let go – to relax and I try to little by little. Maybe this learning to float thing would be a step.

We met one morning at the municipal pool near Jan’s house. She was chatty and upbeat. I was struggling to get into a bathing suit and trying not to run out of he locker room or throw up. Goose bumps came up all over me as Jan described the wonderful feeling she got while floating . She loved to float in the sea and watch clouds pass by. I listened, tried to imagine what she was talking about and shivered. We made our way through the mandated shower before going out on the pool deck. There we climbed down into the water. My teeth were chattering as much from fear as the chilly water.

“The key to floating, Jan said, is to reach your arms out an up and relax into breathing. When you stretch out your arms it raises your lungs so you can breath more and – float” With that she demonstrated and a big smile of contentment came across her face. “You have to keep breathing too, holding your breath will not work”. I tried to do as she said, really I did. Finally for a few brief moments I floated, sort of. I did it! I didn’t sink! “That’s great! Now you just have to practice and relax and you’ll start really enjoying yourself,” my friend said as she ended the lesson.

I knew she was right. I knew it in my bones. Letting and relaxing into floating or work or life has always been a challenge to me. Building faith and letting go of worry comes when I breathe deeply, stretch out my arms to life and I trust.

And yet – I still feared the water and really couldn’t float like I would like. Here in Hawaii a group of women went out swimming the first week I was here. Unlike the pool we swam out over 1/3 of a mile. The water depth was 30 feet or so. I swam comfortably with a snorkel discovering that I enjoyed swimming so much more when I didn’t have to pull my head up and over to get air. Just the help of the snorkel was such a gift to my enjoyment. We got out to a point where a boat was anchored and I figured I would rest by holding onto the boat. I had swum more than I was used to and tired. But I couldn’t really reach a lace to hang on and then I panicked – I would have to tread water or FLOAT to rest.

I will also remember to loving women who surrounded me as I told them I really couldn’t float. Sure I had for a moment with Jan, but I never practiced and I was in far deeper water. They held on to me, tried to help me float but my butt keep sinking as it always had. Finally they did show me how to calmly tread water – to float upright so to speak. That really helped but still I was sad about my anxiety and fears in the water. I really wanted to float.

Two days ago I went out on a snorkel trip with a friend here. I had a plan. I knew on these chartered trips that they provided everything. So when it came time to snorkel, I put on a float belt and got in the water. A calm came over me that I never experienced in the water- not deep water. I could float! I was buoyant! It was so wonderful. I knew why other people enjoyed the water so much. I lay on my back and floated around when I wasn’t looking at the most amazing fish. I could stop and talk with my friend without fear.

With the help of supportive friends and the help I need personally, I float. I float on the currents of life and I let life and God carry me. When I was 12 and needed glasses to see, I didn’t judge myself for needing help to see. I don’t need that now either – or ever. I need the support of friends, to listen to what I know is true for me and to find the help in whatever form I need it to enjoy swimming or anything else. Sometimes I can learn something without assistance, sometimes not. If I can keep the goal in mind, I will find a way and most often that way has to do with getting help from things and people.

Winter Holidays in Paradise

“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, Yuletide carols being sung by a choir and folks dressed up like Eskimos”

As I listen to this song while shopping at an outdoor market where the sun is shining, even at 5:50 PM in the afternoon and the temperature is 80 degrees, I know that the holidays are different here – weird in many ways.

It started with Thanksgiving. There are hundreds of wild turkeys running around so the images are what I am used to but that’s it. Everyone still cooks turkey and gravy – but often in a pit like they cook pigs for Luaus. Added to the regular things for Thanksgiving often are dishes that are Hawaiian or Japanese or even Samoan. The diverse cultures here are very strong and as a white person I often feel a bit out of place in the shopping areas where locals shop.

The day after Thanksgiving people often put up their trees. The trees are shipped in from Oregon and California and are very expensive - $60 often for a small tree. The lights go up on houses- often with Santa and a sleigh or a snowman or other winter theme. Yet it is warm and no one here sees snow unless they go to the top of Mauna Kea after a storm.

Other music I have heard includes Christmas songs sung in Hawaiian. The tune is familiar but I do not understand the words. I have been struck with how having another language makes this state so different from our other 49. This really is another country that happens to be a state. And I am sad to read about the history of this state. I have learned that the US basically invaded and took over a foreign land. We brought disease and creatures that destroyed so much of the native animals, plants and way of life. The missionaries shamed the people so deeply that even today most Hawaiians are the most dressed- even at the beaches.

But back to the holidays. The poinsettias are blooming. They are large bushes – like our roddies in the northwest and they are covered in brilliant red flowers, often double flowers.

I love to celebrate the solstice – the return of the light, but in Hawaii, the change in daylight is only about 1 ½ hours over the year. All the symbolic tales of the child being born at the darkest time of year, of hope and faith returning in the dark just doesn’t seem to connect with my experience here.

I am told that New Years will bring many fireworks. We in Seattle know about this but for folks back east – the tradition comes from Asia and it makes the New Year noisy and bright.

I am missing the holidays in the north. I find I am so surprised by that because I have so often found them to be stressful and not enjoyable. This year is giving me so many new perspectives. They are my gifts this year.