Traveling the country and staying as a guest at my sister and brother-n-law’s house, I feel somewhat homeless. Now the truth is that I am not homeless as many are in this country. I have resources and support and assistance if I need it. But the sense of being rootless is very apparent to me.
I often go looking for things. During my road trip I had to remember what bag things were in or if I had even brought the item with me. At my sister’s house, I have a great room all to myself but many things I brought along are under the bed. I seem to spend a lot of time searching for things. I don’t have a home for books or papers or some of my clothes. The feeling of having to search for everyday items is tiring and unsettling.
Homeless also means that my environment is not familiar. Even though I grew up in New Jersey, I haven’t lived here since I was eighteen. I don’t know how to get places. I need a map. The way people talk is different and ways of doing things are different. Each place I visited on my road trip pointed out to me that I was not at home.
The good thing about being homeless is that I experience my life and reactions to things in a new way. My mind and heart opens and I find myself more open to seeing life and possibilities in a new way. When I can stay in that mind set then being on this adventure is energizing and enlightening.
Some days though, I crave something familiar, something to comfort me. I meet someone who has been to Seattle and all I want to do is talk with them about the place I love. I want to have my belongings neat and tidy and in places I can get to easily and consistently.
The desire for adventure and newness conflicts with the yearning for comfort and familiarity. I love meeting new people and at the same time I want to see my friends and daughter. I change my moods about three times a day. Transition seems to be the norm.
All these different feelings seem to reflect an interior reality as well. I am on this adventure internally as well and there I find how much I love the new ways of thinking and feeling and at the same time I pray that I will be comfortable inside and I am not. My ways of being are changing and I feel uneasy and excited and lonely and alive all at the same time. Ultimately, the sense of home has to settle within. I have to have faith that it will.
