Homesickness

It has taken eight months for my homesickness to set in. I am surprised as anyone that it should arrive while I am in beautiful Hawaii. Perhaps though it is precisely because I am in such a beautiful place that I am so aware of missing Seattle.

Most of this trip I have moved from place to place with only a few days or perhaps a week at each spot. During the summer my home base was New Jersey and my sister’s house. I did not feel homesick there but then in a way I was home, the home area I grew up in. The land was familiar, the weather familiar and the people I mostly saw and connected with I had know all or most of my life.

When I left the east and headed back to Seattle, on my way to Hawaii, I was annoyed to be in Seattle. The grey of the fall had begun, it seemed like I had never left and whatever big AH HA I thought I would have in my year of travel had not happened. I still wanted to move on, explore new places and be in the sun.

I had a taste of homesickness on Maui. I began to realize that even in Paradise, every day life creeps in and the weather alone does not give meaning to life. I began to yearn for the deep connections I had in Seattle. I talked more often to the friends that I had who had been with me through the 27 years I have been there. Now I was in a place where I knew almost no one and I wasn’t just traveling and I wasn’t working and I felt lonely in a way that I hadn’t yet on this adventure.

My brief time a Kalani Retreat Center confirmed for me that the time of isolation and retreat was ended and it was time to move into a more active involvement with the world. When I contacted my friend in Kona and had the opportunity to move there I was thrilled.

In the last month I have learned, perhaps, the most important lessons of my trip. Here in Kona I have connected with a small group of women who have been so kind and generous. I have some work to structure my days and the weather is great. Still I have a growing sense of homesickness – what is that about? I even found myself wishing I could put on long pants and a sweater!

Moving to a place where I have little or no long-term connections is hard at 53, even when I am here for a few months. In order to tell something about my history or myself I generally have to tell 3-4 things first. The investment I have in my community in Seattle has become so much clearer to me now. While the weather is great here, the everyday hassles of living are just like they are anywhere. There is also a bit of a guilty feeling that creeps in if you don’t feel great everyday – since the beauty and sunny weather are all around you as are so many happy faced tourists.

I now know that WHO I spend my life with is more important than WHERE I spend it. If I were partnered I could imagine living away from Seattle more. I would know that each day I would have someone who knew me as I developed friendships. People in midlife have settled on friends for the most part. Oh, we let in a few more here and there but the richness of long-term friends is so important. We have been through so much of life together.

So I am making plans to head back to Seattle, probably after the New Year. I would love to be here during the winter months but that time will come. For now I will work to keep the sun in my heart as well as the new love I have discovered for my hometown.

Ordinary Paradise

What would life be like in Paradise if it were everyday? My first hint came when I was in a mile long back up on the “highway” on Maui. Road construction had stopped traffic. I wanted to get to the beach, hurry up! I caught myself that day. I was astonished to see that with a few weeks of being in Hawaii I had forgotten my easy, vacation attitude.

It seems that the reason we all love vacations in the tropics is because they can lift us out of our everydayness. We break from worry and timelines and ‘got to be there’. We slow down and see things differently. On Maui I counted rainbows and orchids. I thrilled at the colors. But slowly, after two weeks or so I started to take the world I was in for granted a bit. I stopped watching the weather because it was always nice, then I expected it to be nice and didn’t pay much attention to it, or the beauty of it. I ran errands – the post office, buy groceries and slowly the every day way life crept in.

Here on the Big Island of Hawaii, I have been to the beach three times – but they all happened in the first week or so. Now that I can go whenever I want to – I don’t. I let other things get more important. I have helped the woman who I am living with get her garbage to the dump, return movies to the video store, and get an estimate on her car for repairs. All things that can happen anywhere you live. I can see how I could so easily take the beautiful view from her Lanai for granted, or the sunshine, or the bougainvillea spilling outrageous colors over walls and houses.

Being in paradise, or anywhere else won’t guarantee that any of us will appreciate it. We have to commit to it. I have to choose to see the beauty anew each day. Hawaii has lots of problems, just like any other place. Traffic, high prices, crime. If I think I can escape them because the land is so beautiful, I am mistaken. My worries and fears are still with me as well. I can’t escape them either.

On vacation we take a break from so much more than work, we break from ourselves and our everyday worries. If I choose and commit I can keep that vacation spirit alive wherever I am. Wherever I go, I take myself, so I am learning to keep the best of me, the one that is filled with gratitude and kindness and let her live in paradise or wherever.

Mauna Kea and the Stars

Mauna kea is the tallest mountain in the Hawaiian Islands. It sits in the central part of the big island of Hawaii. Most years it is snowcapped in winter. The island then is the only place on earth that you can swim in the warm water of the Pacific in the morning and ski in the afternoon. You can also drive to the top of the mountain.

I have not taken tours on this trip but I joined my friend, Estee, her husband, and sister to see the sunset on top of Mauna Loa. The roads to the mountain are very rugged and not good for cars so it was great to have a tour and a guide to get us there. We left Kailua-Kona at about 1:30 in the afternoon.

The trip up was filed with open plains, stories of the ancient Hawaiians and seeing interesting flora and fauna. We stopped at 7000 ft to have an early dinner. Having a full stomach helps to prevent altitude sickness. After stopping at an abandon sheep cowboy camp to eat we continued up the mountain on a dirt road. The visitor’s center is at 9000 ft. We went on pass the center for the sunset.

At the top on Mauna Kea are many huge telescopes. It is the worlds largest observatory.The air is the cleanest and clearest of anywhere on earth. Astronomers from all over the world travel to the mountaintop to do research. The clouds had hung with us as we went up the mountain but as we passed the visitors center we traveled out and above the clouds. Our guides had brought along heavy winter parkas for us – it was below freezing up there – much different than the 80+ degrees it had been in town. The sunset was going down.

It was amazing and awe inspiring to see a sunset at 13,796 ft (only about 600 ft shorter than Mt. Rainier in WA!). It is the tallest mountain in the world when measesure from its base below sealevel. I had a sense of what it must be like for mountain climbers to reach the top of a mountain and be thrilled with the view. It was as if you could see the ends of the earth. The clouds below kept us from seeing the ocean. The sky, went of forever and the colors were spectacular!

After the sunset we quickly traveled back to 9000 ft to stargaze. The full moon had been a few days before and we needed to see the stars before the moon rose and created too much light. I got see the Milky Way, Jupiter, three shooting stars, a satellite orbiting, and a whole galaxy next to ours! The telescopes were amazing. As we were getting ready to leave, the moon was clear and huge , so we took time to view the moon through the high power telescope the tour guides brought. I could see craters!

The whole trip left me with a sense of the infinite and finite. I felt the infinite possibilities in the view and the Milky Way. And I felt finite in the smallness of humanity and myself. I felt sad in a way to know that there are so few places on earth left that have clear enough air to fully see the stars. Returning to Kona the air got thicker and warmer. I have not seen the mountain from sea level yet. It is most often covered in clouds. But I know where it is and I remember – remember the infinite possibilities for us all.

Going to the Sunny side of the Island

Just after I wrote last, I came to realize that staying at Kalani for three months is not what I was called to do. Writing on this trip has helped me so many times to clarify my thoughts and feelings and I am grateful for that.

I realized that I felt way too isolated at Kalani and while the people I met there were wonderful I just didn’t have it in me to start a whole new community. Did I mention that it also rained everyday at Kalani and that I always felt vaguely wet? I have a deep and loving community in Seattle and being part of the recovery community has allowed me to make this trip and find community wherever I go. After praying and listening for what to do I emailed a friend who lives in Kailua-Kona on the opposite side of the island of Hawaii.

I asked my friend if she knew of any possibilities for house sitting or perhaps a job near her. I figured I would trust that if it was meant for me to leave I would find something and if not I would stay at Kalani. Within a few hours, my friend had found me housing for a few weeks and the possibility of two different jobs! Not only that, her sister was visiting and they had planned to drive over to the part of the island on I was in two days, so they came and picked me up! I felt truly blessed!

I left Kalani on Tuesday, October, 23rd. It was raining as we left and I felt good about my decision. We visited Volcano National Park on the way back and I was taken to the house I could stay in after dinner with my friend and her sister. It is a beautiful house that overlooks Kailua Bay. I had my own bathroom (not sharing with 13 others) and a wonderful bedroom to myself. I will be able to stay here for almost three weeks.

If I learn nothing else on this trip, I hope I will remember that there is always help available and that listening to my heart is a good thing. I am so glad I met the folks I did at Kalani and that I had the experiences I did have there. I am just as glad to be on the sunny side of the island now near a community of support that is more familiar to me.

Already I have had the opportunity to swim and snorkel and meet new friends. I even got to travel to the top of Mauna Koa Mountain to see the sunset. But that is another entry.

Thank you to everyone at Kalani and especially Estee for her friendship and support to help me get to this sunny side!

Life at Kalani

It started with a Google search: “volunteer at retreat centers”. Kalani Oceanside Retreat came up. The center is located 45 minutes from Hilo on the Big Island of Hawaii. This is the rainy side of the island and so it is wet, lush and beautiful.

I am living in a double room with a woman from Texas who is older. I share a single bathroom with 13 other volunteers! Most volunteers seem to be in their late 20’s and gay – men and women. The center is promoted as a gay destination. We work at various jobs (I work in the kitchen) about 25 hrs per week and the rest of the time is our own. The black sand beach is 1½ miles down the road. One volunteer told me she swam with dolphins at the beach yesterday. Today I went into the one street town of Pahoa. It’s the one place I can get cell coverage. This is a very isolated part of the island.

What have I learned so far?

1. Bugs don’t bother me- there are a ton here! There are lots of tiny sugar ants, flying cockroaches, and mosquitoes.
2. I don’t like being damp all the time. It’s almost like Seattle only warm and so nothing dries out. Mold grows on everything really fast. The winter is the rainy season – something I didn’t know before I came.
3. Sharing a room again for the first time in over 30 years is quite different and a bit of a challenge.
4. Being an oldster is a new experience. Most of the folks here could be my children.
5. Having so many gay men here, I feel invisible as a woman.
6. I am not a hippie. Most people here are very alternative in their views and lifestyles. I am much more mainstream than I thought.
7. I do like that I have a lot of support for the adventure I am on. Most everyone here is on sometime of journey or they have ended a journey by living at Kalani full time.

Surprisingly, I am recognizing that being alone and away from family and friends is losing it’s appeal. Most folks here are looking to ‘find themselves’ and have time to just ‘be’. They are getting away from or leaving behind an old life. I have been doing that for 8 months and now I find I am not so interested in that anymore. I have learned a lot about just ‘being’. Also, I am getting very tired of living out of suitcases and meeting new people all the time. I want to start to integrate being and doing now. Working actually interests me now. Who would have thought that was going to happen?

Personalities here are wide and varied. I watch and listen to the gossip already. There is drama and knowing looks I see from the people who have lived here for many month and even years. There are cliques just like in any small closed community.

Am I glad I came? Yes, if for no other reason than for the experience. Will I stay the full three months that I planned? Somehow I don’t think so. I am looking into going over to Kona, on the dry side of the island where I have a Seattle friend. Perhaps I can find a room and a part time job so I can stay the winter in Hawaii and fulfill a live long dream of not just visiting but living on a tropical island.

Aloha!

Walking the labyrinths

I have now walked all five labyrinths on Maui. Two of them were painted on blacktop surfaces, one was laid out in a garden with orchids around it and two were at the far west end of the island, laid out in white coral rock and overlooking the sea. Amazing!

Walking these meditation labyrinths has been especially meaningful to me. Being in Hawaii seems to be a juncture. I have now just over half way through what I plan to be a year away. I don’t know what will come next, but I have gotten much better at living in the NOW. The labyrinths help.

When I enter the labyrinth I cannot see how to get to the center. I can only see the clarity of the path for a few yards, I can see that there are twists and turns coming up but I can’t anticipate what they will be exactly. Sounds like life doesn’t it? All but one of the labyrinths here is based on the original one that is in the Chartres Cathedral in France. The first few steps into the labyrinth look like they will take me right to the center but –no- the path turns and follows right next to the center but there is a barrier of rocks which tell me that I will not get there right away. I must keep walking.

It seems that when I start out a project or a plan or a dream, the same thing happens. The energy of the beginning moves me quickly into the experience and I believe it will be created or finished soon. Along the way though I have twists and turns in the process. No real dead ends but rather adjustments that need to be made and often it seems like my goal gets further and further away. It is so with the labyrinth. After walking so close to the center, the path takes me right out to the far edge and then slowly brings me to the center. I try to look far ahead to see how or what will be the path, but it is useless. The only way to see it is to do it, walk it, and find out in the walking. So I stop looking ahead and focus on each step.

That is the journey for this year – to focus on each step and not try to look too far ahead. Fears of financial ruin or lifelong lonely drifting come up but I make myself come back to the present, to what I have, to the support I know, to the gratitude I feel and I trust that I will get to the center of things and then return with peace, abundance, love, and passion.

Life on Maui Part II

Well here are a few hard things about Maui: gas is $3.58 a gallon, milk is $9.00 for a gallon and I looked at getting a red pepper in the supermarket and it would have been over $2.00. The cost of living is 27% higher than Seattle (found that on a website)! And we who come from Seattle know how high it is for us. The largest crime on the island is breaking and entering – cars and houses.

Now back to the good stuff. I have stopped watch the weather on TV since it is the same every day! Where I am staying is at the junction of the wetter part of the island and drier part so almost every afternoon since I have been here there has been a brief light shower while the sun is out sooooo …. I have seen 4 rainbows! They are so magical and I hopeful. I know now why the Hawaiian license plate has a rainbow on it.

On my journey this year I have had the chance to find a number of Labyrinths. I have walked them in Sedona, AZ and Galveston, TX and now Maui!

A labyrinth is a spiritual tool, a body prayer, a walking meditation, and a mystical experience. The motif is unique to the gothic Notre-Dame de Chartres Cathedral located 42 miles southwest of Paris and dating to 1220 A.D. There an ancient 42-foot diameter labyrinth is embedded in the paving stones of the nave floor. Nota bene, a labyrinth is not a maze. There are no forks in the road or confusing dead ends. The labyrinth is unicursal. The path never crosses over itself and culminates in only a single cul-de-sac, the goal at the center. To walk a labyrinth one simply enters and follows the meandering course to the center; pauses to meditate; then retraces the exact path out, from the sacred to the everyday world.

There are five labyrinths on Maui. One at an Orchid Garden, one at a Catholic school, one at an Episcopal Church and two built from white coral overlooking the ocean. I have been to two so far and have plans to see and walk another today and then the two coral ones soon. Visiting them and walking the meditations gives me a focus for the day and feels very grounding.

While I am occasionally lonely here (there are lots of honeymoon type couples around the resort areas) I know that this is a resting spot for me. Thanks to all of your who answer and listen when I call- especially when I tell you it is sunny here and raining where you are.