On the Road Again!

Rachel and I leave today for our trip back across the US to Seattle. We will drive through Pennsylvania, Ohio and Illinois. Then we will head north through Wisconsin to Minneapolis to see a friend of Rachel’s. After that we will head to South Dakota and Mt. Rushmore and the Badlands. Finally we will make a stop in Utah before head northwest to Seattle. That way I will then have been in every state in the USA!


I am so grateful to my sister and brother-in- law for the gift of letting me stay with them these past four months. They have cared for me and supported my questions and provided me with a save base to explore the east.

Thanks to my good friend Merrill for her support and listening ear. Thank you to Barbara G for letting me sound off to her and be a part of her new journey. Thank you to the folks in the rooms that welcomed me with open arms.

Thank you to the friend I have made through being on Car Talk who has followed my journey and stayed in touch all this time. Thank you to my friends in Seattle who have continued to cheer me on.

I know it not only takes a village to raise a child but also to help anyone find their dream. As I travel the next part of this adventure – know that I will keep you all with me!

Time to Move On

I love New York and New Jersey and all things eastern AND it is time to go.

Where else but New York City could you see a Naked Singing Cowboy in Times Square on the same day that you see Van Gogh’s Starry Night at the Museum of Modern Art? Where else can you ride the subway and see and hear people from at least 10 different countries? Where else can you be in the same city and see beautiful parks and high rises and streets filled with garbage bags and people waiting for food kitchens to open? Everything happens in New York. The drivers are crazy (they even get mad when they are not voted the “most aggressive” in the country. The food is amazing – I saw a sign for Cuban and Chinese food – at the same restaurant.

The people are as passionate as the come about their city and proud of being “the greatest city on earth". It may be.

New Jersey is filled with beautiful rolling hills where I am staying. Homes built in the early 1700’s are common. History is all around me. Farms have corn growing and cows grazing and then there is “the shore”.

The “Shore” refers to the beaches of New Jersey. I know of no other state that refers to its coastline as “the shore”. From Asbury Park (home to Bruce Springsteen) to Cape May, everyone here has her favorite place. Each town “owns” their beach so there is quite the controversy that exists about access to the beach. Towns sell ‘tags’ to get on the beach each day. Old grand homes sit right on the beach in many towns and crowds? Yes in the most densely populated state – there are crowds!

Next week, I leave the northeast. It has been wonderful to be here this summer. My sister and brother in-law have been so very generous and kind to have me stay with them. I wanted to spend time in the northeast again because there was a part of me that thought I might be called to live here again. I am not. I know now that I could live here and be fairly happy but I choose not to. My heart has become so much more of a westerner than I knew before coming east again. I hope I can be back to visit more often than in the past but living here is not for me- at least not now.

Update

As the dog days of summer arrive, I find that writing has become hard to do. I think about it but then I just don’t do it.

July was filled with trips to the beach, reading in the sun, walking and running regularly. I also traveled back to Seattle to be with the women’s group I have been a part of for 25 years. It was very odd to be a visitor in my hometown.

I stayed with friends before leaving with the women for our retreat. I did not have a car so I depended on my daughter for rides. I saw the city a little more through the eyes of a tourist. I connected with a few folks but since I would be there such a short time I did not let everyone know. I felt a bit like a space alien.

Friends would say “ It is so good to have you home” and I would be perplexed. Part of me didn’t connect that I had been away at all – what were they talking about? I live in Seattle – I haven’t been away. Then another part of my brain would track that yes – I have been away for 4 months. Maybe though, my trip had been a long dream I had had and I really had never left Seattle. I felt very confused.

Having five days with the women who I am most close to helped to ground me. We laughed and shared and ate wonderful meals. We had long walks and long talks about every imaginable topic. I had a chance to go more in depth with what this experience of my trip has been. They are truly sisters of my heart.

By the time I had to leave I knew one truth of this adventure. I love so many parts of the East Coast. My roots are here and so are many family members and old friends. I used to think I would never want to live here again though and part of being here for three months was to see if I was called to return. I am not. I could live here and be a kind of happy but as of now I choose not to – the West calls me home.

So what now?? My daughter if flying out east in mid August and driving with me back across the country. It will be a faster trip – only 7 days. I will be in Seattle for September and then on to Hawaii for 3 ½ months! More to come about this next exciting part of my adventure.

Thunderstorms, Fireflies, and Jersey Tomatoes, Summer in New Jersey.

Being back in New Jersey for summer has been a time traveling experience. The hazy, hot and humid days make my skin sweat and never dry. The thunderstorms that come every few days can wake me in the middle of the night or make driving home from the shore quite exciting. Sitting down to eat Jersey corn and tomatoes brings a smile to my face. Fireflies provide fireworks every night. I love it.

I am transported back to my childhood at every turn. As my feet burn on the flagstone sidewalks near the beach, I am again seven years old. As I shuck corn to cook and eat, I am eleven and sitting with my grandmother on the back porch doing the same task. As I see the fireflies I am five and chasing them – hoping to catch one and keep it in a jar to see its light up close. I have time these days to feel the summer as I did as a child – long and lazy.

Another part of me though is right here in 2007. Folks in New Jersey and New York seem to enjoy complaining – it seems to be a form of entertainment. Talk radio is made up of talk about corrupt politicians and “terrible” laws being passed. When I am in New York City, I am newly overwhelmed with the size and the crowds,the noise and the dirt. Everyone is very busy, even when it is very hot. The real estate section of the New York Times seems only to have homes that start at over a million dollars. The stores on 5th Ave are very expensive and so are the cab rides.

Having lived in Seattle for 26 years and then so recently driving across the country, I see the Northeast with different eyes. I used to think everyone in the country aspired to living somewhere between Boston and Washington D.C. Surely it was the best part of the country, the most sophisticated and lively place to be. Now I see a place that seems so very different from the rest of the country as to be almost out of step with the regular world. Or perhaps it is just me as I interact with the Northeast. Perhaps it is me who is out of step.

There is so much that is a part of my roots and heritage here and yet it is no longer me. I had to come back to the east to see if it was calling me back and now I know that it is not. I yearn for more the more open spaces of the west and the attitudes of tolerance that I know in Seattle.

And yet… I want to be here when the corn is ready and the tomatoes and red and the lightning bugs come out at night.

Update July 12, 2007

I know too much time has gone by since I updated my blog. I’d like to tell you I have been too busy to write but that wouldn’t be the truth. The truth is… well I don’t really know what that would be. I guess that writing hasn’t been of interest to me.

Since summer started I have been reading a lot, sitting in the sun, going to the shore, running /walking and contemplating my next step on this journey. I have been plagued with confusion and doubt about what to do next.


I have been able to get to the Jersey Shore and visit with cousins I had not seen in many years. I went to New York City and saw the Fourth of July Fireworks – amazing. They had 3 barges filled with explosives and the display went on for a half hour! New York does things in a big way. The weather was more Seattle like than east coast that day and it seemed odd since I have gotten used to it being hot.

I am exploring spending three months in Hawaii for the winter. I would house sit for a friend and then work at a retreat center on the big island. I have also applied to the International Executive Corps. They place consultants for short and longer stays abroad, helping businesses and non- governmental agencies (non-profits). I have also found out more about getting a certificate to teach English as a second language so I can travel and teach and get paid!

Just in the past week I have found myself missing having a home, a place of my own. Living with my sister has been great and for a while I really liked not feeling bound anywhere. Now I find myself wanting to really unpack and have my own space – but where? I am not ready to return to Seattle full time. I will return for a while before going to Hawaii. But I am not ready to ‘go home’.

I am getting ready to want to leave the east coast. But that’s another entry.

On July 18th I am flying back to Seattle for ten days to visit my daughter and go on retreat with the women’s group I have been part of for over 25 years! I am looking forward to seeing everyone, even though I feel a bit adrift again. I know the love and care of good friends will help.

More later! Libbie

Homeless

Traveling the country and staying as a guest at my sister and brother-n-law’s house, I feel somewhat homeless. Now the truth is that I am not homeless as many are in this country. I have resources and support and assistance if I need it. But the sense of being rootless is very apparent to me.

I often go looking for things. During my road trip I had to remember what bag things were in or if I had even brought the item with me. At my sister’s house, I have a great room all to myself but many things I brought along are under the bed. I seem to spend a lot of time searching for things. I don’t have a home for books or papers or some of my clothes. The feeling of having to search for everyday items is tiring and unsettling.

Homeless also means that my environment is not familiar. Even though I grew up in New Jersey, I haven’t lived here since I was eighteen. I don’t know how to get places. I need a map. The way people talk is different and ways of doing things are different. Each place I visited on my road trip pointed out to me that I was not at home.

The good thing about being homeless is that I experience my life and reactions to things in a new way. My mind and heart opens and I find myself more open to seeing life and possibilities in a new way. When I can stay in that mind set then being on this adventure is energizing and enlightening.

Some days though, I crave something familiar, something to comfort me. I meet someone who has been to Seattle and all I want to do is talk with them about the place I love. I want to have my belongings neat and tidy and in places I can get to easily and consistently.

The desire for adventure and newness conflicts with the yearning for comfort and familiarity. I love meeting new people and at the same time I want to see my friends and daughter. I change my moods about three times a day. Transition seems to be the norm.

All these different feelings seem to reflect an interior reality as well. I am on this adventure internally as well and there I find how much I love the new ways of thinking and feeling and at the same time I pray that I will be comfortable inside and I am not. My ways of being are changing and I feel uneasy and excited and lonely and alive all at the same time. Ultimately, the sense of home has to settle within. I have to have faith that it will.

Doldrums

Definition: A belt of calm and light baffling winds north of the equator between the northern and southern trade winds in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.

I found out recently where the word doldrums comes from. It is a sailing term. The winds just stop, they are “calm and baffling” I am in the doldrums!

It started a week or so ago. Just as I was leaving with my sister to go to Key West it hit. No energy, no wind. I talked with a friend who has a brother who sails and found out more about this nautical term. He and his wife had experienced the doldrums while sailing to Hawaii.

When the winds stopped there was nothing they could do. They just had to wait. Then they noticed that the sea became smooth as a quiet lake and oil from other ships began to collect since there was no wind to move the water. Ocean junk appeared as well. Debris and stuff that normally would move on by or be turned under by waves appeared against the boat. The doldrums happen at a junction: between the Northern and Southern Hemisphere - at a turning point. They were powerless to make the wind come. They had to wait.

I imagine that they contented themselves with the wait some of the time and at other times were frustrated by it. I know it went on for days. Reading books and doing maintenance tasks occupied them but they really wanted to be sailing – sailing to Hawaii. The destination was interrupted, the journey stalled.

That’s where I am today. Stalled. It was so clear to me when I left Seattle: drive the country, go to Bisbee, AZ., attend my reunion, a driving trip with my daughter and then going all the way to Key West, FL – the end of the continental US. I was thinking ‘journey’ but now I see I was more about ‘destination’.

Now what? The doldrums. I cannot force a next step in this adventure. I have gone as far as my driving headlights could see on a dark night. I want to find a big motor and MAKE the wind come. I don’t want to do maintenance or look at my junk that comes up in me as I sit. I want to be about what’s next, the next destination.

And yet this is what is and so I must find a way to accept it and live with it until the winds of the next change come. This doldrums is part of the experience. I need to embrace the journey.

The winds will come – they always do. The weather changes, the days grow longer and then shorter and then longer again. It’s life and I hope that on this adventure I really embrace that truth more and relax, smile, read a book or take a walk ,or send an email while I wait out the doldrums. If I can remember the natical term perhaps I will remember that the doldrums happen at the turning point between two great things. I just have to wait.